Realization

I had an interesting realization last week. I learn Choshen Mishpat with a rav in my community with whom I have become close. He's learned quite a bit about my wife and I over the last couple of years, including my experiences growing up and our financial situation. My wife and I decided to ask him if he'd be willing to sit with us and discuss some issues, specifically about being "frum."

And he made an interesting observation, one that really opened my eyes. He said I grew up with a really BAD Jewish experience. Now, he did said not to judge Judaism by Jews (a pretty popular saying, one made even more so nowadays due to all the crap that goes on, especially in the Chareidi/Yeshivish camps).

But his comment really got me thinking. Not only did I have a crappy time in general, I had a crappy Jewish experience as well. I was ALWAYS the odd man out in the MANY places to which my parents relocated. And most of the time, I was a Lubavitch kid in an anti-Lubavitch world or a Lubavitch kid in a wealthy/rabbis' kids world where I simply didn't fit in. I was always treated like crap. And the times I wasn't, especially more recently, I was brainwashed (thank God only temporarily) by a Yeshivish element I'm glad I left.

So the question then becomes, WHY THE HELL SHOULD I REMAIN FRUM? Being a part of a Jewish community has given me nothing but tzaros all my life. Even where I live now, I'm in a MO community, with which I've NO problem, except I STILL feel like the odd man out.

I have no real feeling for any of this anymore. I'm tired of "holding by" chumrahs and minhagim with which I vehemently disagree and for which I've NEVER been given good reasons to keep except that you have to (I'm sorry, they are chumrahs and minhagim, NOT halacha). I'm tired of all the crap that's piled on to what authentic Judaism should be. I KNOW if Moshe Rabbeinu saw what was going on today he'd die laughing so hard at what people think is "authentic" Judaism.

And a bunch of people on the right making all these chumrahs and minhagim over the years and centuries doesn't make any of those chumrahs and minhagim "authentic" or true to what Yiddishkeit should be.

But, when you start to think along those lines, you're considered to be on the "slippery slope." Except the slippery slope goes both ways. It's the two sides of the same hill. "Lo Sasur Yamin O Smol" - do NOT deviate RIGHT or left. And RIGHT is mentioned first for a reason.

More later, I guess.