Charting a Child's Course

One often sees TV shows, and even frequent real-life examples, of parents charting their children's course through childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. The parents set a course for their children, expecting them to follow that course. Sometimes, it seems a bit harsh, most often, the children rebel, not wanting to follow that course, instead looking for their own path in life, wherever that path leads.

These parents, often portrayed on TV or in the media as oppressive, mean-spirited, and single-minded, sometimes even as downright evil, believe they are doing what's best for their children. They are setting a course, wanting to make ultimately, their children end up well-educated and with a good, promising career. However, the media portrays them in such a way that we end up sympathizing with the child, or teenager, or young adult, rather than with the parents because the parents are such, well, schmucks. Assholes. Unlikable. Uncompromising.

Three months ago, I wrote a post about my really "fun" childhood. Reading the post, one may notice no course was charted for me. I'm the other child, the child of the parents who just didn't give a rat's ass about anything but themselves. I'm the child of the parents who only got upset, when it came to school, if I got bad grades. I'm the child of the parents who got a beating for losing something, a camera, some money, whatever. I'm the child of the parents who pretended to care, but never showed any interest in ANYthing I did. I'm not the child of career parents who wanted to make sure I, too, was successful. I'm not even the child of poor parents who wanted to make sure I got a better break in life than they did. No.

Dear God, I wish I'd had parents who would have charted my course, cared about my education, and made sure I ended up with a good career, a career they didn't have but should have cared if I'd had one so I didn't end up like them. I'm the child of parents who just didn't care. I'm the child whose biggest concern about me was whether I made my bed every morning and cleaned my room. That was pretty much the extent of their "caring" about what I did - making sure their house, even in the privacy of my room, wasn't a mess.

I'm also the product of schools that just didn't care, even Valley Torah, the high school from which I graduated. I was never considered "college" material. I didn't get the school career/college counselor talking to me about what I wanted to do with my life. I was given no direction. None at all.

What brought all this on again? My wife and I were watching the third season of Party of Five, which we finished watching last night. For anyone who's ever watched this show, it's the season where Bailey struggles with alcoholism and in which Julia decides to skip college, at least for a little while. It's the season in which high school seniors were obsessing about being accepted to the colleges of their choice. It's the season in which THEY were taught to care about where they went, what they did, how they ended up.

Sure, much of it was silly teenage angst. But watching really hit a chord in me. Why didn't my parents care? Why did they give me NO guidance. Even worse, why didn't my high school care? Why didn't Rabbi Stulberger (dean), Mrs. Omara and Mr. Joseph (secular studies principals, eleventh and twelfth grades, respectively), and Mark What-His-Name (see, he had so little to do with my schooling I can't even remember his damn last name). Why didn't ANY teacher take interest in what I was going to do after I graduated? The closest any teacher came was Jeff Benz, the AP English teacher, who decided to kick me out of AP English because I wasn't writing up to college standards and he just didn't see any hope I ever would, so he just gave up on me instead of trying to work with me. I guess I just wasn't worth it, at least as far as he was concerned. I was always in the "lower" level classes of my grade, always looking in from the outside at the "smart" ones, who WERE receiving guidance, help, and who WERE applying to colleges, while I had NO idea what I was going to do with my life, and while no one taught me I even needed to care! And this, on top of my general, all-around crappy Jewish experience. I'd sure like to know, nearly twenty years later, why none of my educators cared enough to guide. It's probably a question I'll NEVER have answered.

So, those "smart" ones got the chance to live up to their full potential. Some are doctors, some are lawyers, some are rich businessmen. They got to go to Yale and other Ivy League schools, they got to be successful. Me? Well, here I am. Same old same old. Just following in my asshole father's footsteps.

My one consolation is I will make DAMN SURE my kids get the opportunities that were stolen from me because I just wasn't good enough, smart enough, or, apparently, worth the effort.

So, yeah, I'm going to chart my children's courses. And I'm going to make certain they get the educations they deserve, the opportunities they deserves, and the lucrative careers they deserve.

So if I'm going to come off as one of those mean parents because I want to make sure my children don't go through the same crap I went through, so be it. I know I'll be guiding them lovingly, though firmly toward those educations and careers, because the alternative is me, and that's no alternative at all, now, is it?