Who Are the Four Sons Mentioned in the Hagadah?

I was just reading DovBear's post about the four sons and how in different time periods they were depicted in different ways in (then) contemporary Hagadahs. He then went on to propose whom HE would depict as the various sons.

I'd like to go in a bit of a different direction, and perhaps propose a bit of a different take on the Four Sons, maybe one more in keeping with how Jewish reality is today.

Chacham: He asks a very logical question. What is all this? Certainly, he understands there are chukim and mishpatim, some with logical explanations, some not. But they ARE Torah commandments. And there are legitimate mitzvos d'Rabanan. But what's the rest of it for? Why are there so many chumrahs? So many binding minhagim? So many ways to make being Torah observant miserable? Why are there out-of-date minhagim that have nothing to do with the reality in which we live today? Don't you understand that piling on the chumrahs and minhagim are going to drive people away, not bring them closer? Don't you know that the more the grip tightens, the more people will slip through because they'll just be incredibly tired of having every moment and every step of life dogged by useless minhagim and chumrahs that just make life miserable? "Ma Ha'Eidos V'Ha'Chukim V'Ha"Mishpatim asher tziva Hashem Elokeinu ESCHEM?" isn't a question asked in which we have to make ridiculous excuses why he says "Eschem" - YOU (much like the rasha). He's asking the Rasha. "What the hell are you doing?! You're going to drive people away! Your form of Judaism is simply not viable, no matter how you try to wrap it in the 'legitimacy' of your so-called 'Gedolim.'" The Chacham is saying we NEED to get rid of outdated minhagim and chumrahs that have nothing to do with today's reality and would in NO way diminish Torah observance.

Rasha: This is the chumrahs guy. This is the Halachic Pygmy (I heard this term recently in reference to today's self-proclaimed "Gedolim" and I absolutely LOVE it!!) who thinks he's a "gadol b'Yisrael" and thinks everything that comes out of his mouth is Torah m'Sinai. And it really doesn't matter WHAT comes out of his mouth. It can be anything from the latest ban to being a COMPLETE rasha and blaming the murder victims for their own deaths (click here and here). This is the guy who says not only are we going to keep old outdated chumrahs and minhagim. Oh, no. We're also going to add to the existing ones as well as create new ones, ones that, in two or three hundred years, will be completely unbreakable because by THAT time, they'll be part of our made up "Mesorah" and they will be unbreakable laws. Further, by tightening our grip, we get rid of all the riffraff that can't handle it, thus making "Torah" Judaism very exclusive by completely discarding anyone who doesn't do it OUR way. "Ma Ha'Avoda HaZos LACHEM?" - What is this to you? You want to know what it's all about? I'll tell you what it's all about. It's about control. Absolute control. We control you. Completely and absolutely. And do you know who the Rasha addresses? The Tam.

Tam: He's the simple one. The pliable, shapeable one. The one who, if, or rather, when, he falls into the hands of the Rasha, will be shaped and molded and fired in a kiln into what the Rasha wants: A brainwashed minion who will do EVERYTHING the Rasha, the Halachic Pygmy with feelings of inadequacy and delusion of grandeur, tells him to do, no matter how ridiculous or unreasonable. "Ma Zos?" he asks when he takes those first delicate steps. And, using an iron fist coated with a velvet glove, the Rasha turns him into a blithering fool, a true Tam, a complete simpleton who is taught never to think for himself and ALWAYS to allow the Halachic Pygmy to have complete control over him. If he's lucky, the Tam will eventually escape, but nine times out of ten, he won't. And he'll be miserable. And believing what he's practicing is the ONLY true EMES, a warning and a threat ingrained in him from the very beginning of his journey of observance, he'll never have the guts or the ability to break away from the brainwashing and will simply live life believing he's practicing emes when in truth he's just being controlled by a bunch of Halachic Pygmies, also known as the Resha'im, the self proclaimed "gedolim" of his generation, who control every single move and thought.

She'Eino Yode'a Lish'ol: This is the guy who doesn't know any better. The Hagadah is exhorting the Chacham: "At Psach Lo!" Approach him, take him in, teach the meaning of Judaism, before the Rasha gets his meathooks into him and makes him just as unsalvageable as the Tam may be. Bring out the potential of this beautiful soul, make him shine. Don't let him fall into the deep dark Rasha pit. "At Psach Lo!" He's not yet on the Rasha's radar screen because he's just not worth the effort yet. But be careful, because the Rasha is waiting, watching, and ready to take control once interest begins to show, so you, the Chacham, need to teach him right, otherwise, the Tam's fate awaits the She'Eino Yode'a Lish'ol as well.

This is how I've come to see the four sons. Unfortunately, the case happens to be the Chacham is rarely, if ever, listened to, constantly drowned out by the Rasha's screams and rantings. Later, I plan to post an article I found about Kitniyos in which a true Chacham, Rav Yaakov Emden, was indeed drowned out by the Halachic Pygmies of his time...