Baking

So, I've been working at a local bakery for the last (nearly) seven months. I LOVE the work. I enjoy putting the food together, baking it, and seeing a finished product. I love getting compliments from people (friends and passing acquaintances alike).

But it's been rough. I make very little money. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if I was in my 20s and single. But I'm 37. It's been really depressing me lately that I'm 37 years old and making the tiny salary I make. I don't blame my boss. I blame myself, my upbringing, and people who influenced me in a bad way to make very bad decisions.

The other problem is, my boss is very controlling. He tries to control pretty much everything that goes on at the bakery, not really giving me the chance to prove I can handle the job. When I'm about to something, he doesn't even give me the chance to do it and jumps on telling me to do it, thereby not even letting me prove to him I can do it without being told. When cutting pastries, I can NEVER seem to get the sizes right. They're always either too big or too small, too thin or too thick.

In theory, I was hired to take over management of the back of the store (the prep, the baking, and learning, and least in a rudimentary way, how to cake decorate - and boy, do I SUCK at that!). The problem is, he can't let go and let me do the work. Another problem I've been having is the constant, non-stop criticism. It's just never ending, no matter how hard I work, how fast, or much I try. And compliments are extremely rare. To be fair, he did reward me after Purim with a nice bonus and a card saying he values working with me. But the words and most of the actions don't match that. And then there's the constant, vigilant watching, waiting, it seems, to catch me making a mistake. The problem is, the more he does that, the more I know he's doing that, and I get nervous and DO make mistakes. And his dad, who works there too, at least in the mornings, loves to to jump on the criticizing me bandwagon, which drives me even battier. And then they want to know why I'm in a bad mood.

And to top all that off, I've been told by others there to dream on if I think I'll ever get a raise. So, what? I'm supposed to run all the production, work my ass off, and make all of $10 an hour?! That's just insane. But, I just don't have a choice. This is the only job available to me here utilizing my skill set. I can't get a job at a non-kosher bakery. First, I can't bake non-kosher food. Second, I'd likely be expected to work on Shabbos. Those are two pretty good reasons. I'm non-union, so I couldn't even get a job at the other local kosher bakery. Not that I would want to work for the guy. He's a real crook, and ass, and just plain mean. I have a friend who worked there last year. Came Purim, and he let her go home for the Seudah for 30 minutes. Wasn't that generous of him? So yeah, I wouldn't work for the guy even if I could.

So, to recap. I'm stuck in a low-paying (not likely to go up), job where I'm made to feel incompetent. And then people want to know why I'm depressed.

The other thing that's been on my mind lately is Israel. I have not been there in 19 years. That's an awful long time. I miss it terribly. I think about it all the time. I know it's not easy to live there. I used the live there myself and I'm aware of the difficulties. My wife, at this point, has no desire to move there. Aside from the difference in culture, her parents live here and would never consider moving to Israel, which is a shame, because with their savings and what they get from social security, they'd live quite well there. The problem is, what would my wife and I do? As I've stated before, I will absolutely NOT make the mistakes my father made and just pick up and go. That did not work out well for him, for my mom, my sister, or myself. It completely screwed up my education, and it is the root cause of why I'm in the financial situation I'm in today. All the moving around, especially between countries, really screwed me up. Badly.

I have a useless BA in English. No tech skills or education. No money to get either. No money to further our educations (my wife's and mine), neither here nor in Israel. And, as I mentioned earlier, my wife simply won't consider it, at least as long as her parents live in the good ol' USA.

So, bottom line, I've been very depressed (and no, I don't want to take Prozac, the "life's really crappy, but I don't give a damn because I'm on Prozac" drug).

Oh, well. I guess I just gotta trudge on, no matter how hard it is to do so.